Njord’s Guide to Condoms

Of all places to gain inspiration, I was sitting in the Church of Valhalla when the thought came to me that most of you sex-hungry fucks (even though you aren’t getting sex) are completely clueless about the whole act. Unfortunately, that act includes the use of condoms, which should always play a central role in your sexual excursions.

So, beyond statistics (because I don’t feel like citing them, though 98% protection rate is good) condoms protect you from a myriad of problems. The first, and one of the most important, is a 20 year headache known as children. As teens, we really don’t need them (the children), and regardless of what you may think and what your clueless friends tell you, you probably aren’t ready for one. Even if you think you are, it’s only because you’re supported by your parents, and if you’re not, then you’re an idiot in the first place and I weep for the life of that child. As I was saying, children. Bad. Then we have a plethora of STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) that these latex buddies keep us all safe from, including:

• HIV- Eventually turns into the life threatening AIDS virus. Killing millions world-wide, you probably don’t want to inherit this bad-boy.
• Gonorrhea - The “Clap,” curable but nasty as fuck. Also known as getting “Burned”.
• Herpes Simplex - The gift that keeps on giving. Regardless of what those commercials say about happy people with the Herps, it’s not something you’d enjoy or want to live with for the rest of your life.
• Etc etc. - Crabs, however, are caught regardless of condom or not, since they are not a disease but actually lice*

So, that’s all fine and dandy, but I already knew that. Good. Glad you let me know. However, can you tell me the steps to putting on a condom? Well…you just slide it on and go to work! No! You stupid fuck. Now shut-up, sit down, and let me do my job.

Steps to Putting on a Condom:

• Get the penis hard and open the condom package. Tear it carefully so that your teeth, nails, or whatever doesn’t accidentally tear the latex. It happens.
• If you’re uncircumcised, pull the foreskin back before placing the condom on the head/tip of the penis, reservoir tip (the little hump on the end) facing outwards. If it doesn’t roll correctly the first time, then you’ve got it going the wrong way and you should probably get a new one.
• Pinch the air out of the tip before firmly rolling it down the FULL length of the penis. All the way to the base buddy.
• When you ejaculate, firmly grab the base of the condom, around the penis, so that it doesn’t slip/fly off inside of your girl. Pull out while you’re still hard and make sure the condom comes out with you. Losing it would defeat the purpose and she’d have latex inside of her for 9 months.
• To remove a condom, just roll it back up most of the way and slide it off. Don’t flush it. They usually resurface, and it’s such a hilarious joke for your parents to find. Wrap in tissue (if you want, I don‘t care if you feed it to a baby seal), throw away, wash up.

That’s the goods about putting on a condom, however there are some other things you need to know.

A few paranoid tips like:

1. Keep your condom box out of reach and sight. The crazy bitches, who are foxes in bed, like doing stupid stuff like putting holes in your condom so you’re “stuck with them for life.” Trust me, it happens.
2. Second, have a condom box in your room at all times. I always keep at least 12 on hand, because I never know when it’s going to be a crazy night. There’s always that temptation to go sleeveless when you have a minx on your bed and no glove in sight. So instead of putting yourself in that position, go ahead and keep more than necessary in your room. This goes for girls as well by the way.
3. Third, learn your size and stick with it. Yeah, everyone wants to up their ego and try to pull out the famous gold-wrapper, but if it slips off and you get some obscure rash on your dick, then it was a little pointless wasn’t it? Girls won’t mind what size you’re using as long as you know how to rock the boat (that means stimulate her clit) so get what you need and use it. For girls, a general snug fit or regular size is good cover for most, if not all, guys.
4. Fourth, ALWAYS change your condom after each ejaculation. You don’t want leaks or accidental bursts, and it isn’t that much trouble to slip that one off and roll another one on. Trust me, it’s worth the potential 20 years of your life you may waste otherwise.
5. Fifth (a lot huh?), keep at least 2 on some area on your person (not your wallet) where they can be protected from damage and away from the majority of your body heat for prolonged amounts of time. If you plan on going out with the purpose of getting some hot booty. I say two because, as teens, a lot of guys are early poppers (which really doesn’t matter since you’re permanently ready, so don‘t feel bad) and as I said in rule 4, you always want to change out.
6. Sixth, DO NOT DOUBLE UP! Sliding two condoms on you dick doesn’t mean it reduces the chance of you getting AIDS by some 999%. It actually increases friction and the chance for breakage, which means you have more problems trying to use two condoms than just one.
7. And last but definitely not least (actually it’s the most important) USE A CONDOM EACH AND EVERY TIME!

So have safe, fun, and really raunchy sex. Make sure you strap up right and tight every time. Like Mr. T would say, “Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool!”

~Njord the Wise